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June 2008

Thank you talent scouts at spout.com for seeing me as more than a muscle-stacked brute. I'll be freelance copywriting for a while. I try to keep a few different irons in the fire, if you know what I mean. But don't worry, I won't run for governor ;-)

You see, I'm not just a big, vulgar bru--------- mother of Thor!
C@&*! That's the fourth keyboard I broke today! Anyway...

Four Eyed Monsters take your questions
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New podcast episodes are up and the DVD is out, ending the Four Eyed Monsters epic journey. Now, they answer your questions on Spout. Have you seen the new episodes? Susan wants to leave Arin. She becomes a stripper and likes it! Wow. That girl's got bigger balls than She-Hulk.

Short-term Memory Theatre

Guy Pearce bends gender like a crowbar with General Zod (Superman II) and Agent Smith (The Matrix) in The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. (I auditioned for a transgender role once, but burst my pantsuit like overheated sausage skins when my parking space was taken.)

Also, Where's Waldo: The Movie is so trim it makes The Bourne Ultimatum look flabby.

Blunt force trauma (my favorite kind)

As a runt scientist with a bottle of Lubriderm on my lab bench, I was easily spooked at the theater. I'll never forget leaving Zardoz, foot sweat drenching my Hush Puppies.

Check out these traumatic movie memories in the Filmgaming group.

Broe some more eys, and 'm on my ast eyboard! Hear Roma Polasnki and funny Prmotion.

My Cinema Diet aligned right

Kung Fu Panda (June 6) When I think of Jack Black's new movie, two words come to mind: Hulk. Smash.
Incredible Hulk (June 13) Ooh, is wittle Jacky Wacky afwaid of what would happen if his movie opened on the same day as the big, stwong Hulk's movie? Typical!
Get Smart (June 20) Steve Carrell's karate chop packs a lot more wollup than your flaccid flailings, Jack!
The Love Guru (June 20) Mike Myers may be past his prime, but at least he's had a prime. Which is more than I can say for some people!
Bigger, Stronger, Faster (in theaters now) A documentary about sports and non-gamma ray doping. Why don't you return my calls, Jack?

Karina Longworth, Hulk's weakspot

When Karina's writing about Godard, it's like an incision in this bulletproof skin, her words like fingers playing the xylophone of my whale-sized rib cage. I've been wearing American Apparel tube socks, wandering Park Slope hoping to bump into her (sigh).

Check out Karina's shenanigans at Cannes (Or what I like to call Karinanigans! LOL!)
Karina was on CNN! (I tried to make the news with her by playing hacky sack with a Humvee. Made Fox News instead.)
Introducing Steven Boone, our NY street informant, who met the man who makes Bruce Willis quiver

The real Bruce Banner
Did you know my puny, scientific self--originally played by Bill Bixby--almost went to Larry Hagman, also known as J.R. Ewing from Dallas? Picture a Donald Trump spliced with George Bush, pre-White House/pre-Apprentice sort of a thingie...

What a wallup we'd have made.

And, yes, "Hulk know Photoshop." So does Jordan Gray who won the Presidential Zombie Photoshop Contest.